journal

6/11/2022 - this will be for plans and stories.

I want to make unique pages for different things like the Celeste page. I want to make the index feel like a DVD selection screen and everything be spacey Star Wars like. I want to add a Star Wars page too, and a Breaking Bad page.

I need to update files and the CSS sheet.

Once this website is more complete I will make real entries here and also add a style here.

For the fishbowl I need to put jellyfish also I should add a forest and put boars in it or make a Ghibli page.

I will add a page about my characters Gray the boar, Ilsn, Lorem & Ipsum

6/12/2022 - I need to eventually add all fonts to the css file which means I have to learn how to do that I figured it out for Renogare since its not a google font but the others will be a challenge. Renogare was a challenge too. ALSO I want to recreate savewalterwhite.com and Jesses myshout page though maybe not jesses page because its racist.
Going to delete the hyperpop page but I might put the info in a different page of lists maybe later.
I will add a lot of fonts and I will not feel bad about it. FUCK THE PRINCIPLES OF WEB DESIGN!!!
However much I appreciate the old web aesthetic I dislike very pixelated fonts and sites with very small fonts and cursors and buttons and not many visible focuses and stuff. I still want my site to be accessible and feel smooth to use but I need it to be UGLY.

6/13/2022 - I actually wrote some of todays things in yesterday because it is 12:16 AM. These are my thoughts on life: we are here to chill and have fun and be good to each other. I used to never curse but now I do. I am employed. I used to not be. I am at the age where getting a job is important. Many of my friends are life guards. I don't swim very well. My favorite subject is math. I take calculus next school year I am totally psyched about it I loved precalc. I am also taking Physics. A bit worried because I suck at sciences. But I think it will be all right. I want to be an electrician when I grow up. I'm going to learn how to weld this summer.

Breaking Bad YouTube remixes are awesome. bitch bitch little bitch I made you my bitch JESSE bitch bitch YEAH BITCH!!!! JESSE!!!! bitch no. I am . The Danger........ you. are not theguy. youre not capable of being the guy I had a guy but now I dont you. are not. the guy. [Gustavo Fring screams] HELICOPTER BITCH! sick. this kicks like a mule with his balls wrapped in duct tape TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT YEAH DAMN MAN LOOK AT THAT LOOK all right. now beat it. hit it. gotta prove to the man I'm rehabilitated wink. got a full pound of the blue stuff. Hector Salamanca Bell SOlo.

Speaking of Breaking Bad it is now the afternoon I jsut finished the third to last episode INSANITY HOOOOOLY SHIT. YEAH. WHen people rank Ozymandias as #1 episode yeah it sure is. Holy shit. ABout to start the penultimate episode but I actually can't I'm super busy trying to get my Eagle scout before i turn 18 so I gotta do stuff and I'm doing other things and I was going to meet my friend later I haven't seen them in a while.

6/15/2022 - I like Star Wars but why War pronounced Woar like rhyming with Boar it should be Wahhr like rhyming with car I need to go back to New York so then they'll say Star Wahr. Wait not like rhyming with car rhyming with Star. duh. Like Ringo Starr I think War should rhyme with Star(r).

I have trouble believing that people actually like me because I am very awkward and if I am the tiniest bit anxious I won't "be myself" I will jsut copy other people and sometimes I have to just rely on scripts and manners to talk at all and other times i just stand there and stare at people like a deer in the headlights. I used to have friends I was comfortable around but we've fallen out of touch and its much more awkward now. I love hanging out with my siblings cause I can say the stupidest shit and be super annoying but its fine and they love me for it. But I am so afraid no one else will love me for it that I can't really be myself outside of the house most of the time; except for when I haven't gotten enough sleep and start to act weird but even then I'll just spend the next week and a half ruminating over the things I did. Even on the internet I find it difficult to be myself because of the barriers of text and I already have trouble with words in the first place. As well as having an audience.

I think because of having an audience I feel like I need to perform or be a certain way because people will refer to me and if I don't like what they call me I can't change it because it's the internet. Which is not true because I change my internet names a lot especially over different platforms. I want to put forth an image. But I also just want to chill and have fun. Typing is fun. I like letters and words except for when I forget them also I type really fast but I move my right hand way more than my left it goes all the way around the board but my left hand just stays in the same place.

This is what it sounds like in my brain. Except all the text is muffled and underwater and there are pictures sometimes

In my dreams sometimes I will get a chance to do something crazy or fun or reckless but because I am a coward in real life I always stop it in my head somehow. I have to date turned down the chance to get surgery, smoke, and fly. Actually I think I flew once. I used to have a repeating dream about dropping my favorite stuffed animal a pig named Pig out of the car window on a highway. Also I had dreams about Noah from the Torah and also people with guns in my bathroom coming to kill me but that was just second grade.

6/19/2022 - My knowledge of flags is fading or atrophying or something becuase I couldn't remember the flag of Colombia today but also I realized I have 3 novelty/cheap tutus that are the colors of the flag of Sierra Leone and my sibling didnt believe me but I was right obviously. Because I know a lot of flags. I went to see a baseball game and drank overpriced lemonade it wasn't even good. Oh well, it was father's day anyways. I might get to go to work tomorrow technically I am off because I asked to be but we are understaffed so once I am done the things I have to do tomorrow I'm going to go to work. I love my job because I just get to do tasks. I love doing things that are concrete when people ask me to. I would love to do that but get payed living wage for it when I grow up but that's unreasonable so I will go to college and get a degree. Right now I am financially stable because of my parents and I even get paid above minimum wage so it's just nice to have extra money. But when I'm older I know. Or I will know I hope that I do.

Some bugs I find cute and some freak me out. And I can't control it. Bugs like stinkbugs will give me panic attacks most times, especially when they are inside. But bugs like spiders or centipedes I think are adorable. I love bees but they also make me panic, though I am getting better at dealing with the fear. But it makes me think. Like if I turned into a bug like Gregor Samsa would I be repulsed by myself and the answer is probably. And if one of my loved ones turned into a bug like Gregor Samsa would I be repulsed by them and the answer is also probably, and this makes me very upset. I wish I could love every creature and species on Earth but I have gut reactions that I can't control. (Insert joker meme Wow this says a lot about the nature of the World)

My favorite type of bird is the Red Wing Blackbird, only because I remember the name well. I love that they have red wings they are beatiful and you can see them when they fly. I hate the sensation of ants crawling on me if I see an ant I will often feel like there are ants on me and it can be difficult to shake the feeling. But I don't understand why that particular sensation is so "disgusting" to me... ants are part of nature I am lucky to live in a house where no bugs ever crawl on me but in the outdoors and in nature bugs are just everywhere minding their own business and humans are probably like a cool rock fixture or some shit. I always love to climb on rocks just any rock I'll climb on it. I wonder what it would be like if rocks were alive. Like humans are mountains to an ant. So a human is an ant to a mountain, if mountains had brains. But who says that being alive depends on having a brain. So I think we need to tread lightly and treat nature more kindly. Just because we can build houses with running water and electricity and we have cellular data and wifi and bluetooth doesn't mean any of us are more alive than a rock.

It feels pretentious to write this somehow, but it doesn't upset me so much because barely anyone will read it and even less will remember it. This is literally just how it sounds in my brain I've tried paper journaling before but its too slow for my thoughts that it ends up insincere. Well I have one more thing to do before I go to bed but then I will go sleep Good Night.

7/4/2022 - I love being in the outdoors so much. I love getting exercise and getting up with the sun and going to bed when its dark, though with my phone my circadian rhythm moves to sleeping at 4am-2pm which kind of fucking sucks. I want to do more outdoors things like I want to try mountain biking and rock climbing. I also want to learn how to use the gym. There is one at my work which is a day camp. Maybe I could join a class which might be less anxiety inducing for me. I'd still feel uncomfortable either way, but I need to get over myself because I hate not being strong and I hate exercising in my room.

I've been listening to a lot more music recently. I love listening to albums. I listened to some Radiohead albums recently that I liked. I love Ezra Furman's albums Transangelic Exodus and Perpetual Motion People. I've also been listening to Jack and Diane a lot. Such a good song.

8/9/2022 - I have to make a phone call soon so I'm procrastinating. I found an archive of Diary of a Wimpy Kid LLBs and reading through them. I have a lot of thoughts about Diary of a Wimpy Kid I'm not normal about it I also never read it when I was little aka actually the intended audience. But from the perspective of a high schooler its very very interesting. Greg is such a little asshole but I understand him with the context I've invented for him. Same for Rodrick, but Greg is the main character. "I'm not gay, Greg." I don't like interacting with things in such a fandom-y way but it brings me joy to think about my little scenarios and stuff. Gregory Heffley has problems because he has undiagnosed ADHD and struggles with toxic masculinity because of his father and other things that I've made up also. Sorry

9/7/2022 - School year started. Not going well. I really don't like school and everything about the school year it's so overwhelming. Nine whole months of this. Marching band season has also started which is making my schedule insane. I hate having to be so consistent with everything. I like to be spontaneous. I like to have fun. I like to wake up with the sun and go to bed early. I do 15 minutes of SAT practice a day so that I'll do really well on the SAT this year. I need to add practicing my instrument to my schedule because, I can't take my tuba home every day. Everything starts so quickly. I haven't even had time to get the school supplies I need. I've started driving me and my sibling to and from school and eventually I'll have to start picking up my baby brother from his school too. I don't like driving and I'm terrible at parking. I also gotta start thinking about college. FUCK!!!!!